I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
