Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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