just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
