If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
