is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
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I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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