He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
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I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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