low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?