Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(313): I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl http://tfl.nu/zim9

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(253): View more from Washington

Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.

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(253): Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs. http://tfl.nu/k3j3

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(603): You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!" http://tfl.nu/jokx

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(415): View more from California

i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.

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(415): i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things. http://tfl.nu/f722

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.

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(615): She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse. http://tfl.nu/chf5

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(916): View more from California

i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable

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(916): i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable http://tfl.nu/k7qc

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(919): I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there. (1-919): Hopefully she would park on my face. http://tfl.nu/4722

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(+44): There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it. http://tfl.nu/t5pt

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(+33): View more from France

I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.

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(+33): I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again. http://tfl.nu/fepp

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

You eat cookies in the shower?

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(608): BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie. (1-608): You eat cookies in the shower? http://tfl.nu/pj2d

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(248): View more from Michigan

We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.

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(248): We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land. http://tfl.nu/euer

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(402): I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men. http://tfl.nu/t0j9

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(619): View more from California

Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.

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(619): Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop. http://tfl.nu/mw0u

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(817): View more from Texas

I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?

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(817): I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help? http://tfl.nu/m7i3

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(503): View more from Oregon

That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...

(541): View more from Oregon

Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.

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(503): That's always how I imagine things at your apartment... (541): Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here. http://tfl.nu/wx1r

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