I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
