Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
