About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
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Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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