Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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