I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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