I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
