I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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