So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you will always have a special place in my vag
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
