I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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