my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
