I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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