My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
