You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
