I hate all girls vehemently.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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