You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
