1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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