Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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