You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Let's paint friendship bongs
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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