you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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