Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We smell like vodka and hangover
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