I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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