I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.