So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.