I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
