If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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