I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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