She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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