You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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