Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
