i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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