how can u be prego again
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
