I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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