I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
