So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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