Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
