i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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