wat bout pragnant strippers??
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
