I have demons in me.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
This baby is an asshole
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Bring me that man meat
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
