I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
