Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
