Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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