My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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