A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
