Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
