i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
