it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
