well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
