So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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