I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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