I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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