Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
