Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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