I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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