When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
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He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
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Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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